My Rainy Day List

A rainy day letter is designed to remind me about the wonderfulness of my life instead of the despair and feelings of hopelessness that I live with everyday.

I remember the day my daughter was born.  In order to protect her identity, I’ll call her Gold.  Gold’s Mom had been in labor since the night before; she was born around 6pm on a July evening in California.  The sun was still up, and I was seated by the window; they gave me Gold to hold in my arms, her head was squished like an eskimo and her eyese were shut tightly.  She had a full head of hair.  That was one of the best days of my life.

My daughter graduates from High School and leaves for college soon.  I’m so proud of her.  She isn’t on drugs; she doesn’t smoke and isn’t a criminal.  She was always college motivated.  She chose to hang out with other kids who were college motivated.  She’s a good kid.

In my darkest moments, my Sister has always been there for me.  A few years ago, when I didn’t have enough money to go to a shrink, she paid for me to go.  It was just the kickstart that I needed.  She gave me essentially 10 visits, but it was enough to get me going again.  

My Mom is my champion.  She cheers me on, is always positive, and always sees the bright side.  When I’m down, she encourages me, and when I’m up, she tries to help moderate me.

My Dad loved me.  He told me he thought that I was “the best”.  He was always very proud of me.

How can you re-start your life?

I was recently asked this question: 

“I am 38 , healthy , male and single .  It seems to me that each day is exactly the same as the one before it .   The excitement and hope i had when i was 28 has melted away .   But i am definite that if i can recapture the enthusiasm I will feel better .  It does not matter if i actually achieve my dreams but i want to dream as i did previously”

 

Here is my answer:

I’m 61 years old; during the past 10-years i lost $3M American and have become bankrupt. I’m bipolar and I’ve lost all of my friends.

I’m restarting my life with the following method: IPSRT (Interpersonal Social Rhythm Therapy).  It’s a method used for Bipolar sufferers to help them regulate their moods.  It was developed by Ellen Frank, PhD, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, University of Pittsburgh.

1. wake every day at the same time; early in the morning (mood stability)
2. exercise for 30-60 minutes (exercise increases Serotonin and combats depression).
3. eat healthy meals (keep your weight under control; helps mood stability).
4. focus on those whom I love and take care of them (helps me have compassion and empathy).
5. focus on my work; whatever it is; do a great job (helps to stimulate self-worth)
6. contact at least 1 old friend every day and make a date to meet them; if you’ve lost all your friends, contact an old friend and try to re-connect (socialization instead of isolation)
7. find something you like to do (read, walk, play music; whatever) and do it every day (re-start living instead of surviving)
8. pick an achievable, reasonable, goal. Figure out the steps to achieve that goal and start, today, with step 1. This doesn’t have to be a “great lifetime goal”. This can be a simple goal, such as “walk a mile” (contributes to feelings of self-worth).
9. clean your home every morning and neaten it every night before you go to sleep (self-worth).
10. set personal boundaries for yourself; if someone in your family or in your circle of friends crosses those boundaries, make sure you protect yourself with “when you do A, it makes me feel B because C; please don’t do A” (self-worth).
11. go to sleep every night at the same time (such regularity keeps my moods more stable).

I also use DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), a method started by Dr. Marsha Linehan, Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Washington.   DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of mindful awareness, distress tolerance, and acceptance largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice.

I also chart my moods using (www.moodchart.org).  MoodChart is a research study designed to help people with bipolar disorder gain better control over their illnesses. This site was developed by two psychiatrists at George Washington University, Daniel Lieberman, MD, and Frederick Goodwin, MD.  From the site:  “Who you are, what you do, and the medications you take all influence the stability of your moods. A mood chart pulls together all these factors into one picture. This site will help you build your own chart, and then show you how to do daily charting with a single click.”

More on meds soon.

A 43-year odyssey: bipolar madness

I self medicated with pot and alcohol heavily between my 18th and 33rd birthdays; I mixed in cocaine toward the end.    However, as I began to be more successful in my work, my self-medication, messiness, intolerance, belligerence, and irritability was tolerated by family and friends, “oh, he’s our brainy wacky brother”. 

I always spent more money than I made.  In the 1980s and 1990s, I made millions of dollars.  The more I made, the more I spent.  In 1998, I cashed out of an IPO with nearly $3,000,000 after tax.  But, before a few months had gone by, I had purchased a house that I couldn’t afford, quit my job, and had to cash in stock in order to pay $800,000 in federal and state taxes.  I divorced my 2nd wife, sold the house at a loss after 9/11 and split the money that was left over.  I then proceeded to become unemployable, underemployed, and unable to hold down a job even when I found one.  I ended up bankrupt by 2008.

In 2006, I had a nervous breakdown.  I had been abusing pot (again) for the past 6-years, and had a run-in with my then boss.  He spread malicious rumor and gossip about me and even spied on me.  I ended up quitting, and asked a doctor to give me Clonazapam.  I became unable to communicate, highly anxious, irritable and impatient.  I couldn’t remember anything, and began to scribble notes in my moleskin; in the period of about 2-months, I filled up no less than 5 each moleskins . 

I somehow found my way to a psycho-pharmacologist who pronounced me “bipolar type II rapid cycling”.  Here I was, 60-years old, broke, and my new shrink tells me he’s finally figured out what’s wrong with me.

He put me on 200MG of Topamax and 30MG of Mirtazapine, and I came out of my fog and began to speak lucidly.  I quit pot and alcohol and for the first time in my life, the noise in my head began to quiet.

However, I had to earn a living, and I became filled with optimism and euphoria.  My shrink and therapist’s notes say that I was clear and rational, but I proceeded to overspend again, and ran up an $80,000 debt on credit cards.  I also proposed marriage to three different women.  I just didn’t have the impatience and irritability and drug abuse to go along with the euphoria. 

I had always believed that I had some sort of “psychic but real” connection to the JFK and RFK assassinations. I believed that I had a psyhic connection to Quang Duc, the Buddhist priest who chose self-immolation to protest the Diem regime.   I realize, now, the fallacy of my weird thoughts; but I  had this belief for for over 40-years, between 1965-2008! 

My life came crashing down after I withdrew $120,000 from my IRA to payoff the credit card debt, and after I realized that I couldn’t pay it all off and continue to maintain my nearly $9,500/mo costs (I lived in a very expensive house, and had expenses for things that I “needed”).

Subsequently, I fell into the worst depression I’d ever had.  It was physical; I lost 20-lbs.  I moved my home to a smaller apartment, got rid of about 75% of my “things” so I could fit into the apartment, and I settled into a state of “living depression”.

I’ve been admitted to the Kaiser Permanente health system, and am under the care of a Psychiatrist and a Therapist.  I  go to group therapy sessions, classes, and individual therapy with my Psychiatrist and my Therapist.   I clean the house, get my daughter to do her chores, cook meals, go shopping, exercise every day, and work hard every day.  This has helped to fight the depression.

My shrink says that my reality is distorted on both ends.  On the depression side, I believe I’m not being successful, when, in fact, my clients keep renewing my contracts and telling me I’m doing a great job.  On the euphoria side, I over spend my credit cards and propose marriage to women serially.

At this moment, I seem to be in some sort of state of “awakeness”; like I’m a Zen Buddhist Bodhisattva; it’s not unreasonable for me to be depressed about my shattered life.  I’m wide awake and aware that I need to help my daughter (who is 17) leave home and go to college, even if I don’t have the money to support her.

A Year of Living Hypomaniacally

Last year, while on 200MG of Topamax and 30MG of Mirtazapine, and supposedly “in a managed bipolar state”, I proceeded to:

• Ask three women to marry me;
• Over spend my budget by $80,000
• Borrow from my IRA $120,000 to pay off this debt
• Owe $31,000 to the IRS because of the IRA “early withdrawal”
• Still owe $50,000 because I had to use the IRA withdrawal to live on

All the while, I lied to my Psychiatrist and Therapist about “how I was doing”. 

My Psychiatrist’s notes: “clear, rational, thoughtful”.  For 1 1/2 years!

My Therapist’s notes: “ready to graduate”.

I woke up and came out of my Hypomania in May 2008, and crashed into the deepest depression I’d ever experienced.